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Maria in NY
#1
Hi all!

New to Janet's Closet, but have been down this "TG Message Board" route before (okay, I'm up there in age! - used to post on America Online, when it was dial-up!!)  I really love all the stuff that Janet's place of business supplies!  I am hoping to make some purchases in the future (hopefully not too far off!)  I may be in New York, but I'd LOVE to actually go to the store and explore!  It would be the stereotypical "kid in a candy store" for me!!  However, budget would not allow a trip like that.

I believe I'm at a crossroads in my life.  I've been "on-and-off" cross dressing for most of my life.  Even got a pair of cheap cloth breast forms and some foam hip-pads at one point - even a corset, but I never took it any further.  Have tried to live a responsible "man's life" and have found that I have never been happy being a "Man".  I'm stuck with lots of debt, in a job I don't like, and have no significant other in my life.  Have had massive weight problems all my adult life - even ballooning to over 300lbs (which put me in the hospital and a stern warning from the doctors to lose the weight or spend the rest of my life in and out of hospitals!)

I am trying to lose the weight, want to get more exercise, want to improve my health - both physically and mentally.  Seeing a therapist now, and am trying to get information on LGBTQ resources in my area.  Found a place in White Plains, NY called "The Loft" an LGBTQ Community organization.  Haven't gone there yet.

This past Summer (2018) and beginning of Fall, I was in a "dark place" - seeing my age, seeing where I am in my life just depressed the heck out of me - even contemplated suicide (DON'T want to go there again!)  Started imagining what my life could have been if I explored my sexuality and gender identity more fervently when I was younger.  If I had only done things to keep active and enjoy life more.  Then it dawned on me: why not NOW?  Yeah, I'm pushing 50 and need a LOT of help in my looks department, but there are older Drag Queens out there that look pretty darn good - as well as older transvestites!  It may not be too late for me to enjoy some of life in the LGBTQ-world after all!

So that's what I'm working on now: improve my health, find and get together with others like me, and work on building my confidence and my overall appearance.  I do suspect that I am gay, or at least bisexual, which is why I'd like to check out The Loft and one of their gay peer groups.  I very much would like to have a definite answer to that question in my head.  Just fantasizing about being intimate with a man isn't enough.  I need to KNOW if I truly DO want to have a relationship with a man.  Hopefully, with being around other gay men, I can answer that question once and for all.

And, I SO much want to someday soon, step out truly as "Maria" in the real-world, and not in my head and daydreams!  If there's anything I can accomplish before I'm either too old or deceased, it's to go to a club, or social event, a public place or something like that, with long hair, makeup, jewelry, and a beautiful dress - and have the confidence to say to whomever I meet, "Hi, I'm Maria - and yes, I AM a transvestite, in case you're wondering."
~ Maria
HeartT.G.I.F. (Thank Goodness I'm Femme!) 

"Loneliness, a constant friend and lover I know well..."
('One Step Closer' by Asia)

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#2
Maria, what is it they say about a journey... "A journey of a thousand miles, starts with that first step". Well Maria, you just took that first, giant, step on your new journey. Don't stop, don't look back; keep going. Forward. You have started writing a new chapter in the book called "Maria's Life". The pages are new, the ink is wet, and the pen is in your hand. Start writing.


We, and other loving, and caring, people like us, will be there to help you along the way. You will meet many new people along your journey. Yes, you will get discouraged, as I have, and I suspect many others, because you know you will never look like that hot, young thing, you will come across in travels in this life. But you know what, I did too. But then I realized, if I was, then I wouldn't be me. I want to be me, I will be me; not her. And I suspect you do as well. If there is ever a man in my life, I want him to want me, not some young, hot, girl he sees me trying to emulate. I am a mature, loving, and caring woman. Yes, a woman (in most sense of the word).

So, I guess before this week is out, you will have a few new pages written on your journey. Hand in there babe; because we have faith in you. Heart  Michelle
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#3
Hi Maria,
If you are worried that you are late to the game when pushing 50, look at me.  I was 60 when I totally embraced my femininity.  I truly accepted who I am inside.  While that acceptance has given me much to be happy about and for, that also has presented its own set of challenges.  How I wish I had discovered this about myself when I was 50 as I would have had 10 additional years.  But hey, I'm here now.

It's always good to have goals but if you set your goal to become the next Christie Brinkley (dating myself there), you might be setting yourself up for disappointment.  I don't intend for that statement in a negative way...that you cannot achieve that but sometimes we put too much pressure on ourselves by trying to reach the moon too soon.  Let's just get into orbit first and it sounds like you are there or getting there.   I actually found that by wanting to become beautiful, I found myself adopting a healthier lifestyle.  I wanted to get a better figure so I started eating better and less.  I'll bet you can do the same.  I'm sure you've heard it all....diet and exercise are key....and they are.   I believe if you set small goals for yourself, that you can use these little victories to inspire yourself for further achievement.  Use your victories as inspiration to reward yourself.  Reach a weight goal, reward yourself with a new pair of pumps.  New weight goal met, reward yourself with a makeup kit you wanted....and so on.

I think you are doing a great thing by reaching out to the community.  It's not good to be isolated.  Surround yourself with similar people who will be friendly and supportive.  And just because you're trying to mix with the LGBTG community, don't assume that everyone there is your friend.  Plenty of jerks there too.  So if anyone makes fun of you, just tell them to fuck off (maybe not in a direct literal sense) and reach out to others to be your friend.  You don't need negative people in your life.  You want positive people.  Good luck on your journey.  I wish you peace and happiness.
Heart 
Anne
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#4
(01-07-2019, 12:51 AM)LM-Maria Wrote: Hi all!

New to Janet's Closet, but have been down this "TG Message Board" route before (okay, I'm up there in age! - used to post on America Online, when it was dial-up!!)  I really love all the stuff that Janet's place of business supplies!  I am hoping to make some purchases in the future (hopefully not too far off!)  I may be in New York, but I'd LOVE to actually go to the store and explore!  It would be the stereotypical "kid in a candy store" for me!!  However, budget would not allow a trip like that.

I believe I'm at a crossroads in my life.  I've been "on-and-off" cross dressing for most of my life.  Even got a pair of cheap cloth breast forms and some foam hip-pads at one point - even a corset, but I never took it any further.  Have tried to live a responsible "man's life" and have found that I have never been happy being a "Man".  I'm stuck with lots of debt, in a job I don't like, and have no significant other in my life.  Have had massive weight problems all my adult life - even ballooning to over 300lbs (which put me in the hospital and a stern warning from the doctors to lose the weight or spend the rest of my life in and out of hospitals!)

I am trying to lose the weight, want to get more exercise, want to improve my health - both physically and mentally.  Seeing a therapist now, and am trying to get information on LGBTQ resources in my area.  Found a place in White Plains, NY called "The Loft" an LGBTQ Community organization.  Haven't gone there yet.

This past Summer (2018) and beginning of Fall, I was in a "dark place" - seeing my age, seeing where I am in my life just depressed the heck out of me - even contemplated suicide (DON'T want to go there again!)  Started imagining what my life could have been if I explored my sexuality and gender identity more fervently when I was younger.  If I had only done things to keep active and enjoy life more.  Then it dawned on me: why not NOW?  Yeah, I'm pushing 50 and need a LOT of help in my looks department, but there are older Drag Queens out there that look pretty darn good - as well as older transvestites!  It may not be too late for me to enjoy some of life in the LGBTQ-world after all!

So that's what I'm working on now: improve my health, find and get together with others like me, and work on building my confidence and my overall appearance.  I do suspect that I am gay, or at least bisexual, which is why I'd like to check out The Loft and one of their gay peer groups.  I very much would like to have a definite answer to that question in my head.  Just fantasizing about being intimate with a man isn't enough.  I need to KNOW if I truly DO want to have a relationship with a man.  Hopefully, with being around other gay men, I can answer that question once and for all.

And, I SO much want to someday soon, step out truly as "Maria" in the real-world, and not in my head and daydreams!  If there's anything I can accomplish before I'm either too old or deceased, it's to go to a club, or social event, a public place or something like that, with long hair, makeup, jewelry, and a beautiful dress - and have the confidence to say to whomever I meet, "Hi, I'm Maria - and yes, I AM a transvestite, in case you're wondering."

Maria - first and foremost , welcome to the Forum !!Reading your post , you could be describing MY life . I have been Bi-curious ever since I was 14 ; I am 99% sure that I am bi . I have always envied women their clothing ; just started creating " Dawna's " wardrobe 3 years ago . Looking to relocate so that I CAN go out as Dawna ( long story ) . Just know that you have a lot of support here and people who will not judge you . Take care and stay safe , Dawna .
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#5
(01-07-2019, 12:51 AM)LM-Maria Wrote: Hi all!

New to Janet's Closet, but have been down this "TG Message Board" route before (okay, I'm up there in age! - used to post on America Online, when it was dial-up!!)  I really love all the stuff that Janet's place of business supplies!  I am hoping to make some purchases in the future (hopefully not too far off!)  I may be in New York, but I'd LOVE to actually go to the store and explore!  It would be the stereotypical "kid in a candy store" for me!!  However, budget would not allow a trip like that.

I believe I'm at a crossroads in my life.  I've been "on-and-off" cross dressing for most of my life.  Even got a pair of cheap cloth breast forms and some foam hip-pads at one point - even a corset, but I never took it any further.  Have tried to live a responsible "man's life" and have found that I have never been happy being a "Man".  I'm stuck with lots of debt, in a job I don't like, and have no significant other in my life.  Have had massive weight problems all my adult life - even ballooning to over 300lbs (which put me in the hospital and a stern warning from the doctors to lose the weight or spend the rest of my life in and out of hospitals!)

I am trying to lose the weight, want to get more exercise, want to improve my health - both physically and mentally.  Seeing a therapist now, and am trying to get information on LGBTQ resources in my area.  Found a place in White Plains, NY called "The Loft" an LGBTQ Community organization.  Haven't gone there yet.

This past Summer (2018) and beginning of Fall, I was in a "dark place" - seeing my age, seeing where I am in my life just depressed the heck out of me - even contemplated suicide (DON'T want to go there again!)  Started imagining what my life could have been if I explored my sexuality and gender identity more fervently when I was younger.  If I had only done things to keep active and enjoy life more.  Then it dawned on me: why not NOW?  Yeah, I'm pushing 50 and need a LOT of help in my looks department, but there are older Drag Queens out there that look pretty darn good - as well as older transvestites!  It may not be too late for me to enjoy some of life in the LGBTQ-world after all!

So that's what I'm working on now: improve my health, find and get together with others like me, and work on building my confidence and my overall appearance.  I do suspect that I am gay, or at least bisexual, which is why I'd like to check out The Loft and one of their gay peer groups.  I very much would like to have a definite answer to that question in my head.  Just fantasizing about being intimate with a man isn't enough.  I need to KNOW if I truly DO want to have a relationship with a man.  Hopefully, with being around other gay men, I can answer that question once and for all.

And, I SO much want to someday soon, step out truly as "Maria" in the real-world, and not in my head and daydreams!  If there's anything I can accomplish before I'm either too old or deceased, it's to go to a club, or social event, a public place or something like that, with long hair, makeup, jewelry, and a beautiful dress - and have the confidence to say to whomever I meet, "Hi, I'm Maria - and yes, I AM a transvestite, in case you're wondering."

Welcome Maria!

JCF is full of some very caring people who do not judge and support each other.  Thank you for putting your story out there and letting us get to know you a little.  It is never too late to start.  

I understand the curiosity, the confusion, the frustration of figuring out if you are straight, gay or bi.  I suspect I am bi, even though I have never done anything with a man.  The feeling is still there despite my repeated efforts to suppress it.  

I hope you find some answers with where you are moving.  It sounds like a great place.

Take care of yourself.

Hugs
Jen.
Jennifer  Heart  
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#6
Welcome Maria!
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#7
Maria, I am 71 going on 72. I belong to a group of retired men who meet throughout the Fall, winter and Spring and one of our events is Christmas Luncheon. The entertainment this year was a group called The Master Singers, all retired people, many well up in age. There were many women and a couple who were as big as me - 6'. like all groups of women there were some who were not particularly shapely by our usual standards, but also some who were. All were well dressed, made up, elegantly dressed and bejeweled. I watched them and listened to them and it dawned on me: if I was/am really supposed to be a woman, and could, and desired and want(ed) to live, would I be disappointed being what I could see and hear of these women? And the answer came with the question: no, I would not.

I am a very analytical person by nature(my first golf pro said "You're going to have a lot of trouble!"). So I set my self a course of self study to learn, as much as can be learned not living the life day to day, womanhood; femininity. Looking like a woman is one thing, a good thing, and I too wish I had made more of an effort earlier in life. But, to be, there is a lot more to being a woman than looking like one and all of that is open to one who wants it. I know a lot of happy, beautiful, accomplished women older than both of us.

So, be not afraid, or full of regret. You can still be who you are.

Stacia
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#8
Henry David Thoreau said, "Not until we are lost, do we begin to understand ourselves."
Heart 
Anne
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#9
Thank you all for the warm welcomes and sharing - and the caring!

Yes, it's a journey.  And at this stage in my life, I feel like I've been stagnant for way too long - time to move forward (even if they're small steps!)

I think the reality of how much of my life has gone by really hit home after my Father passed away in 2014.  Now my Mom's in her 80s, my Uncle & Aunt are in their 70s and my cousin (who I held when she was a baby) is married with two kids and going to be starting her 40s soon!  After my Dad passed, I really struggled with depression: ups and downs, but the ups weren't very "up" and the downs were terrible - bordering close to debilitating.  As I had said in my original post in this thread, I really fell into a "dark place" this past year, and I don't want to go there again!  Next therapist session is the 19th.

When I was younger and "experimenting" (best analogy of my cross-dressing), I was so focused on the end-result that I couldn't wait for, or take, the journey to get there.  Hopefully with my now more "mature" look at life, I can try to enjoy the journey more, and not care as much for the end result.  If "Maria" doesn't fully emerge for a few years, I should be okay with that.  Small victories should occupy my mind: getting my teeth fixed (they're not in good shape!) so I can look better en-femme someday, getting more exercise to tone my body to look healthier (and, I would guess, look a little "younger"), improve my social skills (I am a terribly awkward introvert!), lose enough weight that I'm comfortable with how I look, learn about myself (am I straight with homo-erotic fantasies, bi-curious, bisexual or homosexual), and learn everything I will need to know to transform myself into that woman I truly believe is inside of me.

One step at a time...


BTW: remember how I had said I had ballooned up to 300+lbs at one point?  Had lost about 100lbs since that revelation, but (when I was in that "dark place") had bounced back up 50 lbs.  Have been working on lowering that number on my own.  Weighed in at the doctor's office Monday night: 214.5lbs!  Ultimate goal is to try to get to my last lowest weight (194lbs), and then try to drop to 190lbs.

Seeing the scale at 214.5 really helps! ;-)

Oh, by the way, for anyone who doesn't want to (or are not comfortable with) posting an actual picture of themselves, I used this site called "FaceYourManga.com" to make my character thumbnail image on my JCF account (needs Adobe Flash Player plugin in your browser to work).

In case you're wondering, I happen to LOVE Japanese Manga and Anime!   Wink
(Yeah, would have LOVED to have had the body, and courage, when I was younger to Cosplay as "Sailor Mars" from the "Sailor Moon" cartoon!)
~ Maria
HeartT.G.I.F. (Thank Goodness I'm Femme!) 

"Loneliness, a constant friend and lover I know well..."
('One Step Closer' by Asia)

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#10
Maria,
I think it would be great if you celebrate with us here when you hit 5 lb goals.  Since you are 214.5, let us know when you hit 209.5  (sounds better than 210, yes?).  But when you do, let us know how you are rewarding yourself.  Not a food reward...that sets you back.  But do you want to buy a bra or other piece of clothing?  Shall it be lipstick in a particular color?  eyeshadow?   If you have any questions about these things, we have many people here to lend their advice.  Best wishes....sounds like you have yourself headed in the right direction.
Heart 
Anne
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